PHYSICALLY PRESENT, SPIRITUALLY ABSENT
In much hindsight, I spent my first two years of University in an unglorifying way. Continuing from my junior college days, I pursued experiences and built relationships to appear as a thriving youth in the world. I mixed with popular but ungodly cliques, became an orientation leader for multiple camps including some of questionable repute, and immersed myself in every aspect of residential college life – student committees, clubs and house activities.
Adopting the lingo and lifestyle of my environment, many friends were shocked to learn that I was Christian. My uncle once told me, “You aren’t being a good role model to the younger ones,” a line that stuck with me even till today.
Despite these, I faithfully attended Sabbath services in this period, though like an empty shell. Due to the lockdown, my family had just started attending services in Singapore. I always left right after and resisted deeper connections with church members and largely ignored outreach from University Campus Fellowship (UCF).
BEGINNING TO STIR FROM SPIRITUAL SLUMBER
A slight movement of heart came about when it was time to apply for overseas exchange. It was the only thing I looked forward to in Uni; the prospect of going on exchange was all that kept me going in the first two years. However, my grades were so poor that seniors advised me to just give up on the idea.
GOD HEARD ME NONETHELESS
Desperate, I turned to my best hope for success – prayer, to ask my Heavenly Father to PLEASE allow me to go on exchange. I bargained that I would use this time to work on and prioritise my faith.
Miraculously, I was offered a spot on the exchange program, even when many others with much higher GPAs were rejected. This made me realise that God had indeed heeded my prayer. I felt deeply touched that despite my long-standing unfaithfulness, He granted what may be viewed as an insignificant request of mine.
Feeling compelled to keep my word to God, I indeed began making choices to strengthen my faith, starting with attending the Youth Theological Training Course (YTTC) in the UK. Through all the prayers, classes and sharing sessions, I experienced a change of heart and started to genuinely pray for God’s help with my faith. I petitioned God to grant me one or two spiritual companions for my time on exchange, though I was doubtful since I was not close to anyone.
IRISH CULTURE
After YTTC, I faithfully joined the nightly student-led prayer and sharing sessions at 10pm. The Irish lifestyle was centred around the constant seeking of ‘craic’ – to have a fun time, often involving pub crawling, drugs and queer culture. Witnessing the chaotic nature of their lifestyle, I resolved to distance myself from them. Since I wasn’t keeping in close touch with anyone either, I often found myself alone. But the stillness in my life helped me truly feel God's presence in every prayer. I tasted the sweetness of having many quiet conversations with Him as if in the garden of prayer.
FEELING ALONE STILL
Despite this, my loneliness deepened with each passing day, and I became increasingly overwhelmed by negative thoughts. These symptoms had been present for years before my exchange, but now, with only the voice in my head for company day after day, they soon became unbearable.
THE LONG-AWAITED, TIMELY DELIVERANCE OF GOD
One night, I reached a breaking point. I tuned into YTTC prayer as usual, but was so numb, I could not hear what was being shared at all.
I laid on the bed with the sounds of prayer echoing in the background, eventually bursting into tears in resignation and helplessness. As if God knew I had reached my limit, two brethren texted me out of nowhere immediately after that prayer ended, asking, “How are you doing?” and “How is your faith?” For the first time with church brethren, I decided to open to one of them about all my struggles in both life and faith.
The sister proposed to call every day for Bible sharing and prayer together, starting that night. At that time, I felt rather repulsed by the idea of prayer since I felt it had failed me, but I agreed since I felt bad rejecting after she had taken the time to listen to me as an acquaintance.
Unexpectedly and miraculously, on the same night I fell into the darkest point of my life, I experienced the most profound peace and relief I ever had during our prayer.
